Extra Extra – 6 Ways to get in the mood

Too often, we become so fixated on having a mind blowing, earth shattering, toe-curling orgasm that we forget how nice it can be to be teased, touched, enticed, caressed, taken, enthralled, and compelled sexually.

Sure, chandelier-hanging sex “til the cops come knockin” is cool, but for many people, the challenge of reaching orgasmic ecstasy remains elusive.

Here are a few tips that you may want to consider:

1. Be present. Be “in the moment” and try not to think about work, kids, bills, or the challenges of life. Focus on what feels pleasurable for you.
2. Be patient. Trying to rush your climax may only delay it from happening. Give yourself as much time as you want to enjoy being sexy for yourself and/or for your partner.
3. Be creative. Having only one way to “get there” may get old over time. Be willing to experiment with different positions, different times of the day, various places, and using toys.
4. Be free to be you. Know what turns you on/off. Do you like seductive talking? Maybe wear sexy clothes? Do you prefer the lights on/off? Firm or soft body caressing? Does spontaneity turn you on? Figure out what it takes you “there.”
5. Be willing. Be willing to teach your partner about what you like and what you don’t like sexually. Your partner isn’t going to know unless you tell him/her what is sexy and pleasurable to you. Some people prefer to be passionately kissed on their neck while others prefer to have their thighs, calves, and feet caressed. Tell your partner what feels good and be willing to even show him/her what turns you on.
The Biggest Challenge…Is In Your Own Mind
The biggest challenge for my many of my clients is being comfortable with their own bodies. Oftentimes, people feel shameful about their size, shape, or way that their body moves and this prevents them from surrendering themselves sexually to their partners.
Healthy relationships involve talking about how you feel about your body as well as how it impacts your sexual experience.
Consider sharing with each other what you like sexually, what you think about sexually, and how you feel as a sexual being in order to develop a deeper sense of intimacy.

Remember that your best sexual organ is your brain and that the four-letter word that most couples fail to address with regards to sex is…TALK.

By Dr. James Wadley, BDO Relationship Expert

How to break the no-sex rut and why it matters

You’re both tired. The kids are light sleepers. You’re not happy with your weight. You’re stressed out over deadline pressures at work. There’s no time.

There are many reasons why people in long-term relationships find themselves reaching for the pillow or the remote control instead of their partner’s body after the sun goes down. But a healthy sex life is a key part of an intimate relationship, experts say, and neglecting it can push the two of you further apart.

Problem No. 1: Same Old, Same Old

The Solution: Spice It Up

“When you’re in a long-term relationship, you get into a routine,” says Renee Horowitz, MD, an obstetrician-gynecologist and founder of the Center for Sexual Wellness in Farmington Hills, Mich. “There’s biological evidence that novel experiences cause the release of dopamine in the brain.” (Dopamine is a chemical messenger that’s connected to the pleasure center in your brain.) “That’s why it’s so much easier to get excited in a new relationship — everything is novel and your brain responds accordingly.”

Obviously, you can’t switch partners every time the excitement wanes. Instead, change up some of the other factors. “Try a different place, a different time, a different position,” Horowitz suggests. Have a morning quickie. Try sex in the shower, or on the kitchen island. (Clean up afterward.)

Problem No. 2: Too Much to Do, Too Tired
The Solution: Take a Romantic Break

All couples are tired at the end of a long day with many demands. By the time you get everyone to bed and deal with unavoidable chores, you just don’t have the energy for a romantic evening.
It’s time to change that.

“You have to prioritize what’s important,” says sex educator Sadie Allison, a member of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. Her best-selling books include Ride ‘Em Cowgirl! and Tickle Your Fancy. “Tired as you might be, it’s OK to just make it a quickie sometimes. Sex is so important to the overall health of your relationship.”

Instead of waiting until just before you put out the lights, take a break for a romantic encounter before the evening’s chores. “Make space and time where you can escape and get creative,” Allison says. Even if that time is in your house (or car, or backyard). “Look, it isn’t going to happen spontaneously,” Allison says. “You have to find the time and make a date.”

Problem No. 3: ‘Who Are You?

The Solution: Rediscover Each Other — Without Pressure

If you haven’t had sex for some time, a come-on from your partner can feel very artificial and forced. To sustain a healthy sexual relationship, it helps to reconnect in a non-sexual way, says Christina Steinorth, MFT, a psychotherapist in Santa Barbara, Calif.

“If you haven’t had any kind of quality time together, you’re not going to feel sexual,” Steinorth says. “Schedule in time each week for date night. Not the old dinner and a movie thing, which seems like it’s supposed to be a lead-in to sex, but a shared experience: biking, bowling, something silly. Plan a trip to the farmer’s market and a stop for a cup of coffee every Sunday morning. Whatever it is, stick to it like you stick to the other obligations on your schedule. Let it become a habit, and you’ll feel reconnected, and the desire will just grow from there.”

Once you’re reconnected in this way, a quick sexual encounter may regain its excitement. “When the relationship’s alive like that, the 10-minute ‘let’s sneak off and do it’ quickie works great,” Steinorth says. “It’s like your little secret and helps further build the bond between you. But that bond has to be there in the first place.”

Problem No. 4: You Don’t Like Your Body

The Solution: Focus on What You Do Like

Let’s face it: Many of us have things we’d like to change about our bodies. Maybe you never lost the baby weight, or you’re not happy with how you’ve stopped going to the gym.

“Ultimately, low self-image comes down to not being in love with yourself, and if you don’t love yourself, you’re not going to share yourself with someone else,” Allison says. “Short of therapy for poor self-esteem, you can try finding things about yourself that you do like, and focus on those sexually.”

Or focus on your partner’s body instead of your own. “What do you love about the person you’re with? What about his or her body arouses you?” Allison asks. “Take the focus off your own insecurities about yourself.”

Problem No. 5: Sex Hurts

The Solution: Don’t Suffer in Silence

Sometimes it’s not that you’re not feeling in the mood, it’s that your body isn’t cooperating because sex is actually painful. This can be a big issue for women approaching menopause, and you might be too embarrassed to tell your partner.

“As we age, estrogen levels decrease and this affects a lot of organs, including the vagina,” Horowitz says. “When tissues atrophy and thin out, losing some of their blood supply, intercourse becomes more painful. Some patients describe it as like sandpaper. But there are things you can do about that!”
For many patients, Horowitz prescribes a vaginal estrogen. Vaginal lubricants are also available. There’s also the possibility that you may have a condition of the vagina or vulva that’s causing a problem, which is a key reason to check with your doctor should intercourse become painful. (That’s good advice for guys, too.)

Consult your doctor if sex is painful.

Problem No. 6: You’re Still Not in the Mood

The Solution: Find the Trigger

A dwindling libido may not just be a sign of aging. It may be the sign of another health problem or behavioral issue. For example:

Depression, anxiety, and hormonal imbalances can all contribute to sexual dysfunction.
In men, the inability to get an erection can be an early warning sign of diabetes or heart disease.
Some medications, including antidepressants and blood pressure drugs, can lower your sex drive.
Smoking and excessive alcohol consumption can put a damper on sexual response.
Too much time on the bike can lead to problems in bed. “Both men and women who are always on their spin bike can have problems with orgasm and arousal, because of the pressure put on the pudendal nerve and artery, decreasing the blood supply to that region,” Horowitz says.

Also, make sure you’re getting enough sleep. Feeling well-rested can help.

No matter what the reason for your diminished desire, getting back on track with your partner sexually is going to take some effort. “Sex takes work and you have to focus on it just like everything in your relationship,” Horowitz says. “There isn’t a magic pill.”

If you try everything and your sexual problems persist, check with a doctor and/or a therapist.

Breakthrough Love

6 Ways to Get in the Mood